The care worker went to pick her up at her home… again. She had been with us a few times before for the same problem. Alcohol. I don’t normally see her arriving but that time I did and I wish I had not.
She couldn’t walk, she couldn’t stand. Her trousers were soaked with urine. I was leaving the office when I saw her being carried to the building where her allocated room was. Robin had to help, in total 3 people had to. I stood there my stuff in hand just staring thinking to myself, how come such a funny lovely woman find herself in a such a degrading state. I felt deeply sorry and sad for her but above all I hated what alcoholism was doing to her. Wow, I have changed and I am glad about that. Long ago I would have watched her with disgrace and think, well that will serve her right.

This blog was meant for my husband and I thought only him. Well, I don’t know why I assumed it was going to be the case knowing that I work and meet addicts every single day. I should rename it My Life With Addicts maybe…

I heard and read about her life many times, the states she gets into when she drinks but I just was not expecting this. The last memory I had of her, was when she left our premisses after a week a little while ago. We hugged I asked her to look after herself and she went.

This time was more painful as her husband and her were supposed to be celebrating their thirty year wedding anniversary. I even said to her, “he is going to hate you or better kill you, you know that?!” “Mimi you always have the right words, don’t you.” All I could say was “Oh I am sorry.” with my arm on her shoulder while we both burst out laughing in the office. I have to mention that I don’t usually get that close with our patients but she has something in her that I really really really like. I don’t quite know what it is, maybe the fact that she makes me laugh.

She has had a horrible childhood and can’t shake the memories off. I will not go into details here I am sorry.

It’s like meeting two very different people. The real one and the hidden one that comes out of the closet… too often.
The real one is the woman who when she talks about her daughter has sparkle in her eyes. The one who always has that fast reply when we all stand in the kitchen getting in the chef’s way. She would apologise give me the look, pretend to leave but would still be standing there waiting for God knows what. She doesn’t eat much so I always say that I’ll add my wasted meal to her bill if she carries on, I can’t remember now what she replies to that, I am sure it’s funny.
I saw her standing next to the group room one morning smoking when the others were entering the room. I asked her why she wasn’t following and she pointed to the fag (or should I write cigarette? Is fag slang? I’ll ask Robin later) she had in her hand. I joked saying didn’t she think it was maybe time to stop. She was puffing on it like a pingouin trying to get high. She looked so silly. She threw it on the floor and started to walk away when I said “Do you want Robin to moan about cigarette buds on the floor? I tell him this one if yours” She walked back and started picking all the cigarettes on the ground. I said “Woman get in there before they start.” I didn’t want her to use me as an excuse for being late. She pretended to run, boy she looked funny as hell!

The hidden on that comes out, way too often, goes to bed and wakes up drunk, every now and then in a paddle of urine.
The hidden on that comes out, way too often, shakes like hell and can’t even hold a pen.
The hidden on that comes out, way too often, looks angry sometimes but won’t show it, working hard on it.
The hidden on that comes out, way too often, will always try to leave treatment after just a couple of days. The craving is too much to bare.
The hidden on that comes out way too often, I don’t like it!

Typing these small anecdotes brings a big grin on my face. I miss her actually, although I wouldn’t want to see her coming back in a pitiful state. I would love to see her do a share one of these days and tell others how it was for her and that despite all the years of struggling with alcohol with all her trips to our place she is now a clean happy person. This, I wish it to her with all my love.

It took me a long time to write this. I was in two minds about sharing this with the virtual world. Tonight I am glad I did.