It’s after eleven thirty and like every night I won’t be going to bed before midnight. The rest of my family is already in bed. Is this the moment I prefer the most? When I can seat in front of my computer, listen to my music and just type away and browse the web…?? I am not sure as I truly like it when my two little girls run around getting on my nerves and of course when the biggest child of all starts faffing around for God knows what. You must have realised that the biggest child of all is my husband…. the addict. I think I should stop calling him like this, after all it is not a plague (well sometimes honestly I tend to feel it is!).

I was looking at the header of the blog, the picture of the stones I took when we went to Cornwall for his birthday last year (Geez already?!). The picture was taken on the way up to the Mount St Michel (sometimes I wonder how I let him take me to strange places. The building was way up the sky which is a no go area for me. I like to know that my feet are firmly on the ground).
We were climbing up these very dangerous man-made steps when I noticed it. I got the camera out and took a couple of shots.
It’s now I can say, the best thing that I liked that day (I liked the other stuff we did, but this was special ;).

I have used this image for the header of both the french and english blogs as I feel it does actually represent the heart I have in my chest. Yes it is cold, and obviously hard but I think as a partner of someone suffering with an addiction problem, a mental problem, I cannot have a normal heart and live with my husband and above all love him to the point where I accept and will accept certain things.
As I said before, we non-addict are normal people (if I can say so ?!?), we see things in a way addict wouldn’t do, not even to save themselves from an overdose.
Yes they are bright, interesting, beautiful, amazing people but boy don’t they act and behave stupidly when they use or sometimes not… We just don’t see things and appreciate them the same way. It is frustrating!

The cold part of my heart helps me pretend to be blind in front of certain situations and behaviours. One can’t always pay attention to every single details, not if you want a relationship like mine to last. I am a woman and this is what we do best (after gossiping. To gossip is actually talking about insignificant stuff in a badly detailed way I would say) scrutinise. We watch whatever the people who live in the same home as us do with a microscope. Writing this makes me laugh now. Things have indeed changed over the years.
I don’t sulk and moan when he is in his bubble, I don’t ask questions about his “strange tuesday morning meetings” anymore. I just take things as they come (well to a certain point, I am not dead I am still alive with all my senses.) and I try not to rationalise as I know it will not work!

The hard part of my heart helps me overcome whatever is beyond me. I work in the field now but I still find it quite hard to accept a few things. My heart doesn’t sink anymore when he is “weird” (he has always been weird anyway, he was born weird!). I will put a smile on my face now when I deep inside feel like screaming or kicking 😉
One of my colleagues once said a very interesting thing to me when I thought I just couldn’t cope with him anymore. At first I laughed and told her she was crazy but she said no because it does work. “When you feel like spitting in his eye, kiss him instead” Duh!!??? Really?? When I feel like spitting I actually do worse (I can remove the eye, oooh yes!)
You have to have a certain maturity with a very strong willpower to do such a thing.
I do now.
I can look at him with a smile when inside me I am cursing the day he was born.

I am more tolerant now and less judgemental even if often I feel like shaking the addiction out of some people. I do say every now and then to my husband, such and such needed a good beating when they were growing up. I know this is mean… Well someone somewhere feels like me I am sure!

In order to love and above all accept our addict partners, siblings etc… We need more willpower than they do.