Until recently I was only using Youtube for the music side of it. Then, I discovered Tyler Perry’s plays and started watching then moving on to short tv series etc… I would mention that I also used it for a year when I stopped relaxing my afro hair at an attempt to be “natural” – I know this has nothing to do with addiction or recovery in such but in a way I was let’s say self treatment myself from the power of the chemical hair relaxers. It worked so well that today I am hair free. Plain bald!
We are now Monday the 18th of March 2013 and it is 4.13pm, I am watching the american actress Jenifer Lewis on Oprah – again on Youtube.

I remember seeing her on television for the very first time in the Fresh Prince with Will Smith. In the episode I watched, she asked her one leg husband to stand up and dance with her – the whole scene was simply hilarious. She has that thing about her that catches and holds the attention. She can be loud, very loud – like me – she also has that grandiosity ( not snob for one bit but ever so little eccentric ) about her that I fell in love with right there. Since, each time I knew she was in a movie I was always making sure I watched it. She is simply brilliant, her acting is fabulous. She appears like a neurotic every now and then (nothing wrong with that really – we women we understand ;). Like many good actresses, she is so natural it’s as if she doesn’t have a script to read and memorise. There is no hiccups in her playing the roles she’s attributed at all. She is beautiful and has a great sense of style and humour.

Jenifer Lewis is her name and she is bipolar.

I must admit my eyebrows went up on my forehead when she pronounced the word. I so was not expecting this. I don’t know what I was hoping to hear actually when Oprah was taking that serious look and asking questions.

Bipolar disorder is very tricky to understand – for me definitely. I imagined it to be like autism or a very noticeable change of mood. I sure know it can be frightening” for a person witnessing it, it can be “strange” to see someone flipping pole in an “abnormal” way, it can be interesting to watch or it can be sad.

I can’t say much about it unfortunately. I am talking about it mainly because I found out the actress I so like suffers from it ( I still like her don’t get me wrong… )

It is good to know that medicines and therapies can provide a certain peace and relatively normal life to those suffering from yet another complicated mental disorder.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU8_AHCHRXk

This is how we should all live or at least try to live.
Yes our being is regulated by obligations. Work to go to which implies, a job to finish, a due date, an ultimatum, meetings and so on. Kids to look after meaning, plan the next trip to Legoland ( We haven’t done this yet ), book a jab with the nurse ( I am always asked if I am ok afterwards by the nurse ), organise a birthday party ( I hate these!). A partner to look after or care for etc… The list is endless.
Taking into account all above and much more, commitments we have wether they are necessary or not, urgent or not, primordial or not, it is vital to learn to deal with them bit by bit in other words a day at a time. Don’t leave to tomorrow what you can do now can work of course but just thinking this way will add pressure to me and I know to many people too.
We cannot just leave stuff for the next day because we have to live a day at a time, this is not real. Knowing that we do not know what tomorrow will be why stressing?
I know I will have to have the same routine every morning which is, shower first thing, getting kids ready for school and nursery and work. Then in the afternoon eldest daughter’s activities if any, after that go back home organise diner ( diner would have been on my mind for hours already ). Reach home, get changed into comfy clothes, run around the kitchen like a headless chicken and eventually feed everyone. Let the kids play after their diner bath them and put them to bed (same thing the next day unless I jump on a plane). This is my daily routine. However it can be changed by anything. Robin asking me to drive him somewhere, the school ringing me in the middle of the day, unplanned food shopping… just anything. I am rational person ( well I like to think ), whatever will play havoc with my day won’t make me go off rail, if I can say so unless it is something extremely dreadful.

Unlike me Robin does cope well under pressure. He actually works extremely well when stressed. How he does it will always surprise me. I guess his years in recovery and as a therapist have helped. I am sure people of his kind in order to run businesses need to be able to work whenever.

Addicts don’t like things to be changed, turned upside down. Whatever they know and are used to should be the same as much as possible and this is why taking live a day at a time is constantly reminded to them.
Funny I was dealing with one of my patients one day and I said just like that, “Well with me, it’s a night at a time” with a a big grin on my face. I was thinking about the famous quote at all. He sat there playing with his chin going “Hmmm Hmmm a night at a time, never thought of that. Quite interesting”. I thought I had said something really stupid or something forbidden 🙁 and he laughed. I was imaging Robin telling me off.

I know this sounds cliché but if we could only live just like this, a day at time, life would definitely be TOP! Books related to the quote are written and sold all around the world but how many of us can afford this luxury..? As the saying goes: Tomorrow is a mystery, yesterday is history and today is a gift!

The care worker went to pick her up at her home… again. She had been with us a few times before for the same problem. Alcohol. I don’t normally see her arriving but that time I did and I wish I had not.
She couldn’t walk, she couldn’t stand. Her trousers were soaked with urine. I was leaving the office when I saw her being carried to the building where her allocated room was. Robin had to help, in total 3 people had to. I stood there my stuff in hand just staring thinking to myself, how come such a funny lovely woman find herself in a such a degrading state. I felt deeply sorry and sad for her but above all I hated what alcoholism was doing to her. Wow, I have changed and I am glad about that. Long ago I would have watched her with disgrace and think, well that will serve her right.

This blog was meant for my husband and I thought only him. Well, I don’t know why I assumed it was going to be the case knowing that I work and meet addicts every single day. I should rename it My Life With Addicts maybe…

I heard and read about her life many times, the states she gets into when she drinks but I just was not expecting this. The last memory I had of her, was when she left our premisses after a week a little while ago. We hugged I asked her to look after herself and she went.

This time was more painful as her husband and her were supposed to be celebrating their thirty year wedding anniversary. I even said to her, “he is going to hate you or better kill you, you know that?!” “Mimi you always have the right words, don’t you.” All I could say was “Oh I am sorry.” with my arm on her shoulder while we both burst out laughing in the office. I have to mention that I don’t usually get that close with our patients but she has something in her that I really really really like. I don’t quite know what it is, maybe the fact that she makes me laugh.

She has had a horrible childhood and can’t shake the memories off. I will not go into details here I am sorry.

It’s like meeting two very different people. The real one and the hidden one that comes out of the closet… too often.
The real one is the woman who when she talks about her daughter has sparkle in her eyes. The one who always has that fast reply when we all stand in the kitchen getting in the chef’s way. She would apologise give me the look, pretend to leave but would still be standing there waiting for God knows what. She doesn’t eat much so I always say that I’ll add my wasted meal to her bill if she carries on, I can’t remember now what she replies to that, I am sure it’s funny.
I saw her standing next to the group room one morning smoking when the others were entering the room. I asked her why she wasn’t following and she pointed to the fag (or should I write cigarette? Is fag slang? I’ll ask Robin later) she had in her hand. I joked saying didn’t she think it was maybe time to stop. She was puffing on it like a pingouin trying to get high. She looked so silly. She threw it on the floor and started to walk away when I said “Do you want Robin to moan about cigarette buds on the floor? I tell him this one if yours” She walked back and started picking all the cigarettes on the ground. I said “Woman get in there before they start.” I didn’t want her to use me as an excuse for being late. She pretended to run, boy she looked funny as hell!

The hidden on that comes out, way too often, goes to bed and wakes up drunk, every now and then in a paddle of urine.
The hidden on that comes out, way too often, shakes like hell and can’t even hold a pen.
The hidden on that comes out, way too often, looks angry sometimes but won’t show it, working hard on it.
The hidden on that comes out, way too often, will always try to leave treatment after just a couple of days. The craving is too much to bare.
The hidden on that comes out way too often, I don’t like it!

Typing these small anecdotes brings a big grin on my face. I miss her actually, although I wouldn’t want to see her coming back in a pitiful state. I would love to see her do a share one of these days and tell others how it was for her and that despite all the years of struggling with alcohol with all her trips to our place she is now a clean happy person. This, I wish it to her with all my love.

It took me a long time to write this. I was in two minds about sharing this with the virtual world. Tonight I am glad I did.

When we look up the word addiction in Wikipedia (yes Wikipedia. Everyone should be using it now, if not please do! Google and Wikipedia are the “now”, dictionary huh huh huh… Well I don’t know 🙂 this is what comes up:
Addiction is the continued use of a mood altering substance or behaviour despite adverse consequences or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviours.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addiction

This definition is a broad vue of the subject. If I had to explain it to someone from my country Côte d’Ivoire or simply someone who doesn’t have the faintest idea about this “fancy” habit (not to say illness), I would say now, it’s the way one individu is mentally shaped.
People suffering from an addiction or an addictive personality have a passionate tendency to do over and over again the same destroying thing which can be drinking alcohol, taking any kind of drugs, gambling (this one scares the shit out of me!!!), food (I must admit I am still struggling to understand and accept this one 🙁
The cocaine and heroine addict, will sniff lines after lines smoke pots after pots (I first wrote pod and tried to call Robin to double check but his phone was already switched off. Thank you Google!) and this despite the mix feelings the drug will give them. This applies to all the rest whatever the addiction. One has to wonder why they do do it. Is it a lack of intelligence in the sense that they don’t know it is bad for them, or a complete denial. Some people will say like I saw on Facebook when poor Amy Winehouse died, “She didn’t want to let go of the drink, well hopefully she will find some more where she goes now”. I did feel really annoyed when I read this, I even tried to explain the problem she had but in vain. We do not get it. It is beyond us. Maybe like addicts we are in denial or we simply refuse to understand it.

Ps: The readers will have to get used to my language I am afraid. Those who know me will just smile 😉

A. “Would like a glass of wine?
No thank you, I’ll have some water or an orange juice if you have some.

B. “A glass of wine maybe?
Huh no, I don’t drink anymore.
You don’t? Since when? You’re kidding me?
No I just don’t. Anymore.
But why not? Come on I know you love your wine.
Really no, I’ll like a coke if that’s ok.
You’re acting weird but if you insist…

C.”Red or white?
(Should I say no, I don’t drink anymore?? Then they’ll ask me why and I’ll have to tell them the whole story… rehab, meetings, been sober for only a couple of weeks.. oh well) Ok, just one please (it won’t kill me).

I chose alcohol as it was first thing that came to my mind.

It is not easy being in early recovery. Trying to avoid the occasional parties, the happy hours after work, the family meals, the partner who’s still drinking and above all the comments from people who think they’re being kind/smart/cool/nice by insisting on offering a glass of alcool.. (this applies to all addictions I think).

People like Robin who have been in recovery for more than twenty years find it easy after such a long time to say a simple no and not have to think about what will come next. He’ll gladly say I haven’t had a glass since I was 23 (he is 46 now 😉 if asked about his refusal even joke about it.
A couple of years ago we were randomly stopped by a police car somewhere in Dover, the police officer asked him if he had had something to drink and he laughed answering that the last time he had a glass of alcohol was 18 years ago. The man said good for you with a smile.
I do feel for people, our ex patients, in early recovery., our ex patients, in early recovery. The pressure they have to endure must be unbearable. It is not surprising that some of them do relapse within a year of leaving treatment. I wish non-addicts or their friends and family members who are still drinking and don’t have a problem with that would just try to be sympathetic and just not insist when they say no when they are first asked if they want whatever it is they’re offering.

I remember when I first got pregnant, Robin bought me a book about pregnancy, to which I actually said what the hell?? Do I need a book to know that there is someone growing in my belly, that I’ll soon have the London tube map all over me, that my ankle will look like Bibendum’s right arm and that my face will near the end look like a battered football?? I only read the first line of the first chapter and that’s it. It said something along the line of, “When women are expecting their first child, the most common thing they all do is assessing their friendships and consequently getting rid of plenty of so called friends..” Yes something like that. I did do this!
Being in early recovery is the same. It does not come naturally but eventually addicts realise that they have to stop old habits if they don’t want to relapse. Old habits involve friends, stopping “good times”, the way they think and react etc… Tough, tough, tough, but worth it.

Now people, if someone says no when we’re offering a glass of alcohol, a piece of cake, a game of poker, a cigarette etc… we should try not to insist! Above all if it is someone we realise would have normally said yes to one of these things.
Listen to the shy no…

Not easy…

I have learnt to accept myself, not care or give a damn about what people think or say about me, about us. Some of my friends envy me, admire me, wonder how this happened, how I manage this or if it is not just a facade. I genuinely really don’t give a damn about what goes through people’s minds when they see me, or as Rihanna would say << I have run out of fucks to give >>.
Living by what X, Y or Z says or think about me is a burden too heavy to carry and so not worth the pain! No matter what one says or does people will always have something to say. It could be something nice or nasty and for me it’s… whatever and please do go on!